12/21/15 3DPO

So I'm now 5 days post trigger and 3 days post ovulation. I decided to test my trigger out using OPKs. So far, they are still showing blazing positives, which I suspected. I figure it will take another six days or so to get out of my system. I'm trying to think positive, but honestly I feel like I'm just going through the motions and don't really have much hope.

12/18/15 CD15

As I type this, I'm about 38 hours post trigger shot. Ovulation happens between 12 and 48 hours after shot. I think it may have happened over night, but I'm still tender today and having pains in my left ovary right now. The biggest follicle was only 19mm on Wednesday, so I don't think it was big enough to cause the O pains like I've had in the past. But I guess it could have grown enough in the last couple of days?



I did have a decent temperature increase over the last 8 days, which makes this whole thing a bit more confusing. I like having the hcg trigger shot. It shortened my wait time by a few days, but it's harder to confirm ovulation. I don't know if the shot affects my temperature in the mornings? I know it affects the OPK and HPTs, so they are basically useless. All they did was confirm we did the shot correctly! Yes, I have hcg in my urine! But beyond that, did I ovulate yet? I think for my own sanity, I'm going to call ovulation today. Either it happened during the night, or it's happening this morning. I was ridiculously tired yesterday. I struggled to stay awake at work and all I did was lay on the couch last night. I even went to sleep around 7:30 last night. I think that's from the trigger shot though.

It's times like this I nearly cry because I spend so much time, effort and money trying to get pregnant and all these teenagers out there seem to be able to pop them out left and right! I know I can't compare myself to them and I know they have their own battles, but I just can't seem to not go there.

12/17/15 CD14

Yesterday I went in for an ultrasound to measure my follicles. I had one at 19mm, one at 16.something and some smaller ones (several 11s and a 14). Even though I only had one technically mature follicle, I was told to go ahead and do the trigger shot last night. The shot will help those follicles mature a little faster and ovulate in around 36 hours. There's a decent chance the 16 mm one will mature to a potential egg during that time and a very small chance one of the smaller ones will as well, although I'm not holding out much hope. I did a half dose trigger (5000 iu) last night. I was a little overwhelmed when I got all the syringes and needles in the mail, but it was shockingly easy to mix up the solution and do the shot last night, even though that was a long needle!

I was so anxious for yesterday's appointment. All I could think about was all the things that could go wrong. I have had really tender ovaries for a few days, so I was sure I was either full of cysts, or had way too many big follicles and they wouldn't let me do the trigger. Turns out the days of anxiety were for nothing and in fact, I almost feel like I had the opposite problem. To only have one follicle over 18mm after taking Femara was very disappointing. And all that tenderness was probably all in my head.

Being injected with hcg means that the pregnancy tests (and ovulation tests) will be positive for now. I thought I would feel some sort of happiness to see a positive pregnancy test, even though I know it's just because of the shot and nothing more. So, I took a OPK and hpt this morning. The OPK was blazing positive, and the htp was positive as well. But it was very anticlimactic. I thought I would feel at least something, but didn't feel much of anything at all. So now I can either test out the trigger shot, or I can wait 2 weeks, and not test anything during that time. I don't have enough hpts to test every day, and have toyed with the idea of buying more from amazon. I don't know that I want to go through the emotional ups and downs of seeing positives continue to fade and never return. I have the one positive from this morning, and I can hold on to that. But waiting until January 1 to test (or for my period to start) may be very challenging, and honestly I don't know that I can do it. Every cycle I tell myself I'm going to wait, and I still end up testing around 8 DPO. I have never really had much in the way of willpower.

12/4/15 CD1

Ugh. Day 1. In some ways, it's nice to get the next cycle started because it's another chance, but it's also a reminder of all the failed cycles before. This one is hard because last cycle was my last chance before Christmas. This time I should ovulate a few days before Christmas, so I won't be able to test until the first week of January. So that should be a super fun new years completely sober. I also get to enjoy Christmas Eve with a pregnant step daughter. Nothing like a super fertile teenager to bring attention to your own broken body. I already feel like this cycle is a failure. I have no hope for it. Hopefully next year we'll move on to some more aggressive treatments.

12/1/15 13DPO

This has been a really rough cycle. I think it's because I really had it in my head when I started this journey that I would be pregnant by Christmas. Every day and every negative test just reinforces the fact that I'm broken and the medications are not fixing me. At this point, I have no idea why I keep torturing myself with negative pregnancy tests. 

I have got much better at BBT though.

Yesterday and today I've had to push back tears nearly all day. And I know that a lot of that has to do with the fact that I'm getting ready to start my period, which is the whole problem! Sometimes I want to scream. Mostly cry, but sometimes scream. It also doesn't help that I've been really slacking at the gym.

My goals for last week:
1. Exercise 3 mornings and 3 full workouts at the gym
Status: 2 morning workouts and 1 gym workout. Yeah, that was bad. 
2. Limit dessert to 2 times this week, including sweet snacks. Status: Shannon's birthday cake made it on my plate for 5 days. 
3. Increase vegetables and decrease carbs--limit grains to 1 serving per meal.

Status: I don't know if I increased vegetables, but I didn't decrease. 

So the goals for this week: 

1. Exercise 3 mornings and 2 full workouts at the gym
Status: 2 mornings complete and 1 gym complete
2. Limit dessert to 2 times this week, including sweet snacks. Status: had chocolate chex mix last night (1/2 c ) 
3. Increase vegetables and decrease carbs--limit grains to 1 serving per meal.
Status: so far so good