10/30/2015

As I sit here waiting for the next cycle to start, I realize I have no idea when or how my journey will end. Obviously, I want it to end with a baby and soon (read now). But with each cycle that fails, that ending becomes harder and harder to see.

Even though my progesterone result from this cycle is only 10.5, the doctor thinks the femara is working. So for the next two cycles, I'm going to stick with the 5mg dose. I was really hoping for more. I am ready to move on to the next step. My head knows that I need to give the Femara a try, which means 3 cycles. Knowing that in my head and having the patience in my heart are two very different things. And I guess I do have to admit that I know the femara works because I am ovulating, which I wasn't on my own.

Some days it really feels like the world is pushing me to the edge. Yesterday was one of those days. There were babies and pregnant ladies everywhere. And China announces the end of the 1 child policy-now couples can have 2. Over a billion people can now have two kids, and I'm just over here doing everything I can to have one. I try to maintain a positive attitude, but some days it's really just too hard.

10/27/2015

As it turns out, looking at my lab results daily online doesn't change their value. I don't know why I keep checking it. I know it's not going to change. I guess it's the same reason I keep taking a daily pregnancy test--the result is still negative. I think it may be because I still have lots of those high P symptoms. My boobs are still sore, appetite is still increased, still constipated, and having vivid dreams. At this point, I guess I'll just call it all PMS, which makes sense-even if I'm not ready to admit that.

I started charting my BBT, well, kind of. I have missed several days and have taken my temps at different times, so I don't think they are too accurate, but my goal is to get into the habit and keep charting the temps. I think that will be another tool to help me along the way.

I'm still waiting on the doctor's office to call me with the plan for next cycle. I'm starting to get impatient now, which isn't going to help anything!

10/26/2015

I did more pregnancy tests over the weekend. They were negative too. Again, not exactly a shocker.

I didn't even bother to test today. I figure if some miracle happens, I'll know in a few days. I just don't want to see another stark white test. I can't handle that today. Yesterday, I went and had my cards read. I did two readings. The first one was with one of the ladies that read my cards last year. She told me a lot of the same things as last year about Shannon. And she said the same things about about some of my general life info, such as being intelligent, taking risks, etc. She told me that she saw a baby either late 2016 or early 2017. The second lady that did my reading said she saw a pregnancy in May 2016. That would put a baby in early 2017. Or I could be ready to believe anything that gives me the slightest bit of hope. But I will admit the thought of doing this 6 more times just about makes me sick. I mean obviously I'll continue to go down this road until I do get pregnant, but I was really hoping that would be sooner than May.

10/23/2015

Today I will get my P checked. I feel like it's high. My boobs still hurt, I'm incredibly irritable and I've started breaking out! I did break down yesterday and took a pregnancy test...or two. I also took 2 today. Not surprisingly, they were both negative. I don't know what I expected.

10/21/2015

Ugh, I've been getting more and more antsy. I'm terrified to get my hopes up though. I've definitely had more hormonal symptoms these last few days and that's likely the higher P. Even if I don't get pregnant this cycle, higher P still means progress. I've been constipated, sore/huge boobs and so moody and bitchy. At only 5DPO, I know it can't be any sort of symptom, but my heart can't help but feel otherwise! I'm glad I have tomorrow off work. It breaks the week up a bit-even if that means I have to go o the dentist. I know I'm going to end up testing over the weekend. I know even if I am pregnant it will likely show negative this early on. Since I have so many P symptoms, I may be able to tell if the symptoms ease up after Friday evening, which should be the peak.

10/20/2015

Getting through the two week wait seems to be a bit easier than last time, although it's only four days in, so that may change! I'm hoping to see good progesterone numbers from my labs this week. My boobs are huge today, which I assume is a result of the increasing progesterone. Last time, progesterone was only 11.7 so I really hope it's more than 15 this time. But if it's not, then maybe we can move on to injections to force an earlier ovulation next cycle.

10/19/2015

I'm starting the waiting all over again. This is so rough! It's hard to feel psitive because I'm so afraid of being let down again. I'm 99% sure I ovulated Friday evening. At least the intense pains led me to think that! By Saturday, the ovulation tests were negative again. I'm still having some residual tenderness. That concerns me too. I feel like it's another month of late ovulation with eggs that are too big and became cysts. I'll go in on Friday afternoon for blood work to confirm ovulation and see if the numbers are good enough. So for now, I'm just 3DPO with at least another week before I can test. I'm going to get my tarot cards read this weekend, so maybe that will bring some insight-or at least some entertainment.

10/16/2015

So I guess last cycle wasn't a fluke. Last night and this morning I've got nearly positive OPKs. I guess I'm just a late ovulator.

I'll call the nurse today so I can schedule my labs for next week. It is a bit depressing that I ovulate so late because I feel like the eggs aren't high quality. But, I will take low quality ovulation over no ovulation! That also means I won't have to take provera, which is awesome. I kind of hope next cycle we add injections.l to force ovulation earlier. I've been having a lot of ovulation pain on my left side-which leads me to believe the eggs have got too large.

10/15/15

It looks like the Femara isn't working. I should have ovulated by now, but the ovulation tests keep getting lighter and lighter. I've had some pain on my left ovary, but at this point, it's clearly just another cyst. I'm probably going to have to do another round of provera to start the next cycle. I hope the RE adds something to the next cycle-maybe injectibles to force ovulation.

10/9/2015

Well, I should be ovulating tomorrow, but the ovulation tests are still very negative. It's a bit disappointing and hard to face that I'll be doing this all over again next month. I know it would be hard to have another July birthday, but at this point, I just want a birth day. And even if we move on to the next cycle, the odds are still good that we would have a late July birthday.

10/7/2015

Today is our 9 year anniversary! In some ways I djust can't believe it's been that long!

10/2/15

Things were going so well-until I told Shannon that I absolutely would treat my own child different than his kids. I don't know what he expected me to say. By the end of the night, I think he finally understood. It seems like every few days, he has some reason why he doesn't want to have another baby. It's getting really frustrating. Assuming this medicine works, I should be ovulating in about a week. I have to wonder what bomb is going to drop then.

10/1/15

I've been taking the femara for a couple of days now. The side effects seem to be gentler than clomid. I still have some patience and I don't feel on the edge all of the time. I'm still having hot flashes, but so far it's just uncomfortable-not constantly breaking out in a sweat. I'm ready to get this cycle started and really hope I ovulate.

9/29/15

Much better day today! I slept very well last night and we're getting the new windows installed tomorrow. I will start the femara this afternoon, which (amazingly) was covered by insurance! I don't know if it's because this is a real (unmediated) period or if this is how it used to be, but this period is significantly less awful than it's been for the last few years. I'm trying to be more positive about this cycle and hopeful this will end in a positive!

9/28/15

So not incredibly shocking, but it looks like I'll start taking the femara tomorrow. I left a message with the RE nurse this morning. I'm waiting for her to call back so I can find out if they will do any monitoring, which I think they will. I knew that the odds were not in my favor, but I was still hopeful. Starting my period this time wasn't completely devastating, but still a let down. I've suspected for a while that Becky is pregnant, but now I know for sure. That was a punch in the gut. Or face. Or uterus. I keep telling myself that at least her baby will keep Tina focused on her and maybe less of a bitch to me. But I know Shannon is going to be focused the baby too, which is just heartbreaking to me.

9/25/15 11DPO

So incredibly tired today! Well, it's been like this all week, but seems to be hitting me hard today. At this point, I'm just waiting for my period to start so I can try the Femara.

9/24/15 10DPO

Yesterday was pretty rough. Last night was frustrating. I swear the Shannons know when to push my buttons. I couldn't hide my frustrations very well either. Today seems to at least started better. I'm working on trying to accept that we're on to the next cycle. Just waiting for my period to start again so I can find out the new plan with the new doctor.

9/23/15 9DPO

it's already been kind of a rough morning. I'm still waiting for the doctor's office to call with the results from my blood work and the plan for next cycle, but i was able to see the results online this morning. My progesterone level was 11.7, which is considerably higher than last time, but not as high as I had hoped. Even though I ovulated late, I had held out hope that I could still be pregnant. But that level is a lot lower than I hoped. And the pregnancy tests keep coming back negative. I keep telling myself it's still very early, but hope is fading fast. I should be happy to be with the new doctor, but I'm still in a funk-and definitely ready to get the next round started! Goal for the day is to be positive and not cry! My boobs are still sore, but clearly some of that was psychosomatic because the pain decreased as soon as I saw the progesterone results. 

9/22/15 8DPO

I've been trying to stay busy today, but i'm still anxious about the blood work results. I had hoped to have the results already, but still waiting. I took a pregnancy test last night and thought I saw a very faint positive line, but it must have been where I touched it. I took another one this morning and it was clearly negative. It's still super early. I should have waited longer to test. Now that I've tested the first time, I'll probably keep doing it every morning!

9/21/15 7DPO

Half way there! In about a week, I should find out if this cycle worked or if we're moving on to femara. I had blood work done today to check progesterone levels, as well as glucose and insulin.

9/17/15 3DPO

It's been a struggle watching time pass so slowly! It reminds me of the July when we first started meds. Waiting for ovulation wasn't as bad this time, but seeing that positive OPK for the fist time was a huge shock! I had given up hope for this round. So this is the fist time that conception was even possible. I had super sore ovaries yesterday, so I'm hopeful and pessimistic at the same time. Since both sides hurt, I think I may have ovulation on both sides-yay for better odds! But since I was a week late (CD20), the doctor said the eggs were likely very large and would burst. I still have at least a week before I can test. Trying not to go crazy in that time!

9/16/15 2DPO

The first visit with the RE was yesterday. Our plan for the next cycle is to switch to Femara from Clomid and possibly add metformin. Since ovulation happened on CD20 this round, we will monitor and hope for earlier O in the next cycle. If needed on Cycle 4, we may add trigger shot. Lab work done yesterday, but will not be of much use since it was only 1 day after ovulation. labors ordered from RE for next week-CD27-which is actually 7DPO.