12/21/15 3DPO

So I'm now 5 days post trigger and 3 days post ovulation. I decided to test my trigger out using OPKs. So far, they are still showing blazing positives, which I suspected. I figure it will take another six days or so to get out of my system. I'm trying to think positive, but honestly I feel like I'm just going through the motions and don't really have much hope.

12/18/15 CD15

As I type this, I'm about 38 hours post trigger shot. Ovulation happens between 12 and 48 hours after shot. I think it may have happened over night, but I'm still tender today and having pains in my left ovary right now. The biggest follicle was only 19mm on Wednesday, so I don't think it was big enough to cause the O pains like I've had in the past. But I guess it could have grown enough in the last couple of days?



I did have a decent temperature increase over the last 8 days, which makes this whole thing a bit more confusing. I like having the hcg trigger shot. It shortened my wait time by a few days, but it's harder to confirm ovulation. I don't know if the shot affects my temperature in the mornings? I know it affects the OPK and HPTs, so they are basically useless. All they did was confirm we did the shot correctly! Yes, I have hcg in my urine! But beyond that, did I ovulate yet? I think for my own sanity, I'm going to call ovulation today. Either it happened during the night, or it's happening this morning. I was ridiculously tired yesterday. I struggled to stay awake at work and all I did was lay on the couch last night. I even went to sleep around 7:30 last night. I think that's from the trigger shot though.

It's times like this I nearly cry because I spend so much time, effort and money trying to get pregnant and all these teenagers out there seem to be able to pop them out left and right! I know I can't compare myself to them and I know they have their own battles, but I just can't seem to not go there.

12/17/15 CD14

Yesterday I went in for an ultrasound to measure my follicles. I had one at 19mm, one at 16.something and some smaller ones (several 11s and a 14). Even though I only had one technically mature follicle, I was told to go ahead and do the trigger shot last night. The shot will help those follicles mature a little faster and ovulate in around 36 hours. There's a decent chance the 16 mm one will mature to a potential egg during that time and a very small chance one of the smaller ones will as well, although I'm not holding out much hope. I did a half dose trigger (5000 iu) last night. I was a little overwhelmed when I got all the syringes and needles in the mail, but it was shockingly easy to mix up the solution and do the shot last night, even though that was a long needle!

I was so anxious for yesterday's appointment. All I could think about was all the things that could go wrong. I have had really tender ovaries for a few days, so I was sure I was either full of cysts, or had way too many big follicles and they wouldn't let me do the trigger. Turns out the days of anxiety were for nothing and in fact, I almost feel like I had the opposite problem. To only have one follicle over 18mm after taking Femara was very disappointing. And all that tenderness was probably all in my head.

Being injected with hcg means that the pregnancy tests (and ovulation tests) will be positive for now. I thought I would feel some sort of happiness to see a positive pregnancy test, even though I know it's just because of the shot and nothing more. So, I took a OPK and hpt this morning. The OPK was blazing positive, and the htp was positive as well. But it was very anticlimactic. I thought I would feel at least something, but didn't feel much of anything at all. So now I can either test out the trigger shot, or I can wait 2 weeks, and not test anything during that time. I don't have enough hpts to test every day, and have toyed with the idea of buying more from amazon. I don't know that I want to go through the emotional ups and downs of seeing positives continue to fade and never return. I have the one positive from this morning, and I can hold on to that. But waiting until January 1 to test (or for my period to start) may be very challenging, and honestly I don't know that I can do it. Every cycle I tell myself I'm going to wait, and I still end up testing around 8 DPO. I have never really had much in the way of willpower.

12/4/15 CD1

Ugh. Day 1. In some ways, it's nice to get the next cycle started because it's another chance, but it's also a reminder of all the failed cycles before. This one is hard because last cycle was my last chance before Christmas. This time I should ovulate a few days before Christmas, so I won't be able to test until the first week of January. So that should be a super fun new years completely sober. I also get to enjoy Christmas Eve with a pregnant step daughter. Nothing like a super fertile teenager to bring attention to your own broken body. I already feel like this cycle is a failure. I have no hope for it. Hopefully next year we'll move on to some more aggressive treatments.

12/1/15 13DPO

This has been a really rough cycle. I think it's because I really had it in my head when I started this journey that I would be pregnant by Christmas. Every day and every negative test just reinforces the fact that I'm broken and the medications are not fixing me. At this point, I have no idea why I keep torturing myself with negative pregnancy tests. 

I have got much better at BBT though.

Yesterday and today I've had to push back tears nearly all day. And I know that a lot of that has to do with the fact that I'm getting ready to start my period, which is the whole problem! Sometimes I want to scream. Mostly cry, but sometimes scream. It also doesn't help that I've been really slacking at the gym.

My goals for last week:
1. Exercise 3 mornings and 3 full workouts at the gym
Status: 2 morning workouts and 1 gym workout. Yeah, that was bad. 
2. Limit dessert to 2 times this week, including sweet snacks. Status: Shannon's birthday cake made it on my plate for 5 days. 
3. Increase vegetables and decrease carbs--limit grains to 1 serving per meal.

Status: I don't know if I increased vegetables, but I didn't decrease. 

So the goals for this week: 

1. Exercise 3 mornings and 2 full workouts at the gym
Status: 2 mornings complete and 1 gym complete
2. Limit dessert to 2 times this week, including sweet snacks. Status: had chocolate chex mix last night (1/2 c ) 
3. Increase vegetables and decrease carbs--limit grains to 1 serving per meal.
Status: so far so good

11/24/15 CD25

I'm still trying to figure out if I'm 5 or 6 days past ovulation. This month was kind of hard because I didn't get that stabbing pain that let's me know, yep....egg(s) released! Normally it's a debilitating pain that leaves no room for interpretation. I almost wondered if it actually happened. I did get a temperature rise, but it was less significant than last month.

Since I'm only about one cycle into this, I'm not even sure that's all accurate from last month though. And in the cycles before, I've always had some sort of symptom, even when there were only in my head. I haven't really had that this time. I almost feel as if nothing is going on at all down there. Some very, very mild cramps started today, but they just feel like a muted version of the normal post ovulation cramps. I attribute that to the lack of pain searing ovulation this month. Last month I was SURE conception had occurred because I had all the symptoms. And some of those weren't in my head, such as the breakouts and the XXXL boobs.

I'm coming up on the half way point until the next cycle starts and just now starting to get antsy. I haven't tested yet and hope to hold out until at least this weekend. Thanksgiving and all the black Friday shopping should help keep my mind occupied.

11/19/15

Today is one of those days where I wish I could just sit home and watch Netflix on the couch! Ugh, the sharp pains started yesterday so I know ovulation is coming. Usually it comes within 12 hours of the pain starting, but I guess my body is into some torture this month because it's still going on. Even though I had the positive OPK on Tuesday night and all day yesterday, I went ahead and did another test this morning. It is still positive.

 My temperature went up almost .4 degrees this morning (.38 from yesterday), so I know it's getting close.

Did I mention I have a multi hour meeting late this morning? Yeah, I assume that's when this will hit me. Never mind me.....unable to breathe because of the pain....yep, I can totally see that happening. In the last couple of cycles, I've only had about a 12 hours LH surge. I don't know what the deal is, but I'm closing in on the 36 hour mark. Not complaining though....I know this has to happen to get pregnant!

11/18/15 CD19

So I may have reached a new level of obsession. Instead of trying to view my BBT charts on the Glow app, I made an Excel spreadsheet and a graph from the data.

Since I'm still trying to figure out this whole temping thing, I figure this should help me understand in familiar terms. From my chart, I think my baseline is around 97.5. I had a one off peak above that, but I really think that's due to my lack of temping experience and I probably either didn't get enough sleep or I had already been up to go to the bathroom. On the bright side, I started getting nearly positive OPKs last night! Yay! I did another one first thing this morning and it was nearly positive too. Those were using the Wondfos. Today I'm going to test using the Blue Cross strips. They seem to be easier to read for OPK. I don't think I've ever had a absolutely clearly positive Wondfo OPK, but the BlueCROSS ones are very, very clear. I'll probably test around lunch time today and again this evening, just to feed my POAS addiction. I generally know when I ovulate because wow...serious pain. But I'm glad I am temping this cycle too.

11/17/15 CD18

So my goals for last week were fairly ambitious, but doable. I didn't quite accomplish them, but I made progress.

1. Exercise every morning for at least 20 minutes. Wednesday probably won't happen since I'm off work, but I still have 4 days to work with

Well, I managed to do 3 days and I did 25 or 30 minutes on those three days. So in the end, I still ended up with close to 80 minutes, which was the total goal of last week. We'll call that accomplished. 

2. Go to the gym for a full workout at least 3 times this week.

I went twice--Monday and Friday. Goal not accomplished.

3. Limit dessert to 2 times this week, including sweet snacks. 

Having candy in the house made this one impossible. I just do not have the willpower. 


I'm a day late, but ready to set goals for this week: 

1. Exercise 3 mornings and 3 full workouts at the gym
Status: Monday morning and Monday evening at the gym complete

2. Limit dessert to 2 times this week, including sweet snacks. 
Status: made microwave cookie last night. One dessert left of the week

3. Increase vegetables and decrease carbs--limit grains to 1 serving per meal.
Status: 
Monday
Breakfast: flatout wrap with bananas and peanut butter
Lunch:stir fry with chicken and veggies and jasmine rice
Dinner: Beef stew with whole wheat biscuit, salad

Tuesday
Breakfast: flatout wrap with bananas and peanut butter, skinny venti peppermint mocha
Lunch: salad, beef stew with whole wheat biscuit
Dinner Plan: something with chicken, arugula, kale, salad? 


Today is CD18, which means I should be ovulating in a couple of days. the OPKs are still negative, but I expect them to start increasing this afternoon. 

11/13/15 CD14

This month had been going fairly well. I wasn't really obsessing over everything like I have been the last few cycles. I know I have about six more days until I should ovulate, but I still test every afternoon (and sometimes again...and even again in the evening). So obviously no positive OPKs yet. This month I'm also doing BBT for the entire cycle, more or less. Weekends aren't always possible. It's hard to really see the whole picture here, but the first day I did my temps was 2 days after ovulation, so I missed the rise of the last cycle, but I do at least have something to work with this cycle.

I had managed to stay off the pregnancy boards for a few weeks, but I fell back into the black hole yesterday and got caught up on the message boards. I've seen several positives from the groups I stalk, so it's nice to feel some hope. At the same time, it is also a bit depressing because I feel like all I do is wait for a negative. It's also been hard to get in the mood this cycle. I've really had to force myself to have sex every other day. I guess it's good I still have a few more days before I really hit my fertile window. Maybe by then I'll have found my sex drive! I think a big part of the problem is all the symptoms I had last time. I really thought last month was going to be the month. I had so many symptoms and I was sure it was either because of a huge spike in progesterone or I was pregnant. But when I saw the progesterone level was even lower than it was on 100 mg clomid and all the negative pregnancy tests, I just felt deflated.

11/12/15 CD13

Some days I have a hard time putting what I'm feeling/thinking into words. Today is one of those days. But somehow I came across this post, which says all those words for me. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nika-c-beamon/coping-with-the-monthly-reminder-that-im-not-a-mom_b_8538668.html

11/9/15 CD10

I'm really not sure how I made it to CD10 already. I feel like this month is moving really fast! I'm not going to complain about it, but it's just so different feeling. It's been really hard to be positive lately. I just keep feeling like it's never going to happen for me. I do think the femara is working a little differently this time. I've had some hot flashes this time, which I know I had last time, but I feel like they are more intense this month. I've also had some really bad irritability-more like what the Clomid did to me. I hope this means that it's going to work a little better, but I'm still having a hard time being positive.

I've got to get myself back into a good routine with food and exercise. I really fell off the wagon several weeks back. I've been eating crappy food and skipping the gym, a lot. I've only worked out a couple of times in the last 3 weeks, which includes the morning cardio. I know that's some of my problem. I would feel a lot better overall if I went back to whole foods and at least 5 workouts a week.

So my goals for this week:

1. Exercise every morning for at least 20 minutes. Wednesday probably won't happen since I'm off work, but I still have 4 days to work with

2. Go to the gym for a full workout at least 3 times this week.

3. Limit dessert to 2 times this week, including sweet snacks.

10/30/2015

As I sit here waiting for the next cycle to start, I realize I have no idea when or how my journey will end. Obviously, I want it to end with a baby and soon (read now). But with each cycle that fails, that ending becomes harder and harder to see.

Even though my progesterone result from this cycle is only 10.5, the doctor thinks the femara is working. So for the next two cycles, I'm going to stick with the 5mg dose. I was really hoping for more. I am ready to move on to the next step. My head knows that I need to give the Femara a try, which means 3 cycles. Knowing that in my head and having the patience in my heart are two very different things. And I guess I do have to admit that I know the femara works because I am ovulating, which I wasn't on my own.

Some days it really feels like the world is pushing me to the edge. Yesterday was one of those days. There were babies and pregnant ladies everywhere. And China announces the end of the 1 child policy-now couples can have 2. Over a billion people can now have two kids, and I'm just over here doing everything I can to have one. I try to maintain a positive attitude, but some days it's really just too hard.

10/27/2015

As it turns out, looking at my lab results daily online doesn't change their value. I don't know why I keep checking it. I know it's not going to change. I guess it's the same reason I keep taking a daily pregnancy test--the result is still negative. I think it may be because I still have lots of those high P symptoms. My boobs are still sore, appetite is still increased, still constipated, and having vivid dreams. At this point, I guess I'll just call it all PMS, which makes sense-even if I'm not ready to admit that.

I started charting my BBT, well, kind of. I have missed several days and have taken my temps at different times, so I don't think they are too accurate, but my goal is to get into the habit and keep charting the temps. I think that will be another tool to help me along the way.

I'm still waiting on the doctor's office to call me with the plan for next cycle. I'm starting to get impatient now, which isn't going to help anything!

10/26/2015

I did more pregnancy tests over the weekend. They were negative too. Again, not exactly a shocker.

I didn't even bother to test today. I figure if some miracle happens, I'll know in a few days. I just don't want to see another stark white test. I can't handle that today. Yesterday, I went and had my cards read. I did two readings. The first one was with one of the ladies that read my cards last year. She told me a lot of the same things as last year about Shannon. And she said the same things about about some of my general life info, such as being intelligent, taking risks, etc. She told me that she saw a baby either late 2016 or early 2017. The second lady that did my reading said she saw a pregnancy in May 2016. That would put a baby in early 2017. Or I could be ready to believe anything that gives me the slightest bit of hope. But I will admit the thought of doing this 6 more times just about makes me sick. I mean obviously I'll continue to go down this road until I do get pregnant, but I was really hoping that would be sooner than May.

10/23/2015

Today I will get my P checked. I feel like it's high. My boobs still hurt, I'm incredibly irritable and I've started breaking out! I did break down yesterday and took a pregnancy test...or two. I also took 2 today. Not surprisingly, they were both negative. I don't know what I expected.

10/21/2015

Ugh, I've been getting more and more antsy. I'm terrified to get my hopes up though. I've definitely had more hormonal symptoms these last few days and that's likely the higher P. Even if I don't get pregnant this cycle, higher P still means progress. I've been constipated, sore/huge boobs and so moody and bitchy. At only 5DPO, I know it can't be any sort of symptom, but my heart can't help but feel otherwise! I'm glad I have tomorrow off work. It breaks the week up a bit-even if that means I have to go o the dentist. I know I'm going to end up testing over the weekend. I know even if I am pregnant it will likely show negative this early on. Since I have so many P symptoms, I may be able to tell if the symptoms ease up after Friday evening, which should be the peak.

10/20/2015

Getting through the two week wait seems to be a bit easier than last time, although it's only four days in, so that may change! I'm hoping to see good progesterone numbers from my labs this week. My boobs are huge today, which I assume is a result of the increasing progesterone. Last time, progesterone was only 11.7 so I really hope it's more than 15 this time. But if it's not, then maybe we can move on to injections to force an earlier ovulation next cycle.

10/19/2015

I'm starting the waiting all over again. This is so rough! It's hard to feel psitive because I'm so afraid of being let down again. I'm 99% sure I ovulated Friday evening. At least the intense pains led me to think that! By Saturday, the ovulation tests were negative again. I'm still having some residual tenderness. That concerns me too. I feel like it's another month of late ovulation with eggs that are too big and became cysts. I'll go in on Friday afternoon for blood work to confirm ovulation and see if the numbers are good enough. So for now, I'm just 3DPO with at least another week before I can test. I'm going to get my tarot cards read this weekend, so maybe that will bring some insight-or at least some entertainment.

10/16/2015

So I guess last cycle wasn't a fluke. Last night and this morning I've got nearly positive OPKs. I guess I'm just a late ovulator.

I'll call the nurse today so I can schedule my labs for next week. It is a bit depressing that I ovulate so late because I feel like the eggs aren't high quality. But, I will take low quality ovulation over no ovulation! That also means I won't have to take provera, which is awesome. I kind of hope next cycle we add injections.l to force ovulation earlier. I've been having a lot of ovulation pain on my left side-which leads me to believe the eggs have got too large.

10/15/15

It looks like the Femara isn't working. I should have ovulated by now, but the ovulation tests keep getting lighter and lighter. I've had some pain on my left ovary, but at this point, it's clearly just another cyst. I'm probably going to have to do another round of provera to start the next cycle. I hope the RE adds something to the next cycle-maybe injectibles to force ovulation.

10/9/2015

Well, I should be ovulating tomorrow, but the ovulation tests are still very negative. It's a bit disappointing and hard to face that I'll be doing this all over again next month. I know it would be hard to have another July birthday, but at this point, I just want a birth day. And even if we move on to the next cycle, the odds are still good that we would have a late July birthday.

10/7/2015

Today is our 9 year anniversary! In some ways I djust can't believe it's been that long!

10/2/15

Things were going so well-until I told Shannon that I absolutely would treat my own child different than his kids. I don't know what he expected me to say. By the end of the night, I think he finally understood. It seems like every few days, he has some reason why he doesn't want to have another baby. It's getting really frustrating. Assuming this medicine works, I should be ovulating in about a week. I have to wonder what bomb is going to drop then.

10/1/15

I've been taking the femara for a couple of days now. The side effects seem to be gentler than clomid. I still have some patience and I don't feel on the edge all of the time. I'm still having hot flashes, but so far it's just uncomfortable-not constantly breaking out in a sweat. I'm ready to get this cycle started and really hope I ovulate.

9/29/15

Much better day today! I slept very well last night and we're getting the new windows installed tomorrow. I will start the femara this afternoon, which (amazingly) was covered by insurance! I don't know if it's because this is a real (unmediated) period or if this is how it used to be, but this period is significantly less awful than it's been for the last few years. I'm trying to be more positive about this cycle and hopeful this will end in a positive!

9/28/15

So not incredibly shocking, but it looks like I'll start taking the femara tomorrow. I left a message with the RE nurse this morning. I'm waiting for her to call back so I can find out if they will do any monitoring, which I think they will. I knew that the odds were not in my favor, but I was still hopeful. Starting my period this time wasn't completely devastating, but still a let down. I've suspected for a while that Becky is pregnant, but now I know for sure. That was a punch in the gut. Or face. Or uterus. I keep telling myself that at least her baby will keep Tina focused on her and maybe less of a bitch to me. But I know Shannon is going to be focused the baby too, which is just heartbreaking to me.

9/25/15 11DPO

So incredibly tired today! Well, it's been like this all week, but seems to be hitting me hard today. At this point, I'm just waiting for my period to start so I can try the Femara.

9/24/15 10DPO

Yesterday was pretty rough. Last night was frustrating. I swear the Shannons know when to push my buttons. I couldn't hide my frustrations very well either. Today seems to at least started better. I'm working on trying to accept that we're on to the next cycle. Just waiting for my period to start again so I can find out the new plan with the new doctor.

9/23/15 9DPO

it's already been kind of a rough morning. I'm still waiting for the doctor's office to call with the results from my blood work and the plan for next cycle, but i was able to see the results online this morning. My progesterone level was 11.7, which is considerably higher than last time, but not as high as I had hoped. Even though I ovulated late, I had held out hope that I could still be pregnant. But that level is a lot lower than I hoped. And the pregnancy tests keep coming back negative. I keep telling myself it's still very early, but hope is fading fast. I should be happy to be with the new doctor, but I'm still in a funk-and definitely ready to get the next round started! Goal for the day is to be positive and not cry! My boobs are still sore, but clearly some of that was psychosomatic because the pain decreased as soon as I saw the progesterone results. 

9/22/15 8DPO

I've been trying to stay busy today, but i'm still anxious about the blood work results. I had hoped to have the results already, but still waiting. I took a pregnancy test last night and thought I saw a very faint positive line, but it must have been where I touched it. I took another one this morning and it was clearly negative. It's still super early. I should have waited longer to test. Now that I've tested the first time, I'll probably keep doing it every morning!

9/21/15 7DPO

Half way there! In about a week, I should find out if this cycle worked or if we're moving on to femara. I had blood work done today to check progesterone levels, as well as glucose and insulin.

9/17/15 3DPO

It's been a struggle watching time pass so slowly! It reminds me of the July when we first started meds. Waiting for ovulation wasn't as bad this time, but seeing that positive OPK for the fist time was a huge shock! I had given up hope for this round. So this is the fist time that conception was even possible. I had super sore ovaries yesterday, so I'm hopeful and pessimistic at the same time. Since both sides hurt, I think I may have ovulation on both sides-yay for better odds! But since I was a week late (CD20), the doctor said the eggs were likely very large and would burst. I still have at least a week before I can test. Trying not to go crazy in that time!

9/16/15 2DPO

The first visit with the RE was yesterday. Our plan for the next cycle is to switch to Femara from Clomid and possibly add metformin. Since ovulation happened on CD20 this round, we will monitor and hope for earlier O in the next cycle. If needed on Cycle 4, we may add trigger shot. Lab work done yesterday, but will not be of much use since it was only 1 day after ovulation. labors ordered from RE for next week-CD27-which is actually 7DPO.